Breast Cancer Entry Twenty-Seven

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my attitude. I was thinking about all the scientists, doctors, chemists, organic farmers, family, friends, strangers, and health care practitioners that have an interest in my treatment. I realized they all have good intentions. The traditional medical practitioners as well as my holistic practitioners all want me to get well. I am going to ride these good intentions. I’m not going to look at any of this as hurting me; instead, I am looking at it all as steps toward my healing. Even though this process can be rough; I’m going to concentrate on the spiritual outpouring in my life, and on the wonders of modern technology. I am so grateful for the incredible advances in treatment over the last few years. I am grateful for every single ounce of good intention and caring energy in my life. I am not going to let my suffering get in the way of my gratitude and appreciation. I have decided to throw my arms wide open and let God send me the resources, whatever lessons, in whatever form I need to get through this. I am completely overwhelmed with feelings of gratitude for the amazing experiences I have had so far.

After I go to chemo I imagine myself with the wolves. I put my arms around their necks while they support me in this wonderful warm stream and I let the chemo wash over me and away from me. It feels so real sometimes; to just close my eyes and imagine this sparkling, warm water flowing over me. It has a very healing effect and the doctors are amazed at how well I take the treatments. I have managed to avoid the ugly side effects so far and I feel stronger instead of weaker. I am exercising every day and it feels great. I feel lousy the first week after chemo but I feel good by the time I need to do it again. What a gift. Can’t explain it…

As I improve my attitude it seems to help my body cope better. My depression is quite improved, but I still get panicky about the possibility of dying soon. I remind myself this is not under my control. At the same time I have an overall feeling of peace and determination – conflicting feelings for sure and it is a juggling act to keep the positive feelings in the forefront of my thoughts so I can stay motivated and happy.

I process the difficult feelings with prayer and meditation and if I really can’t handle it I go see Paige. I also get a massage and some physical therapy to help my body calm down. I am so committed to my life – no matter what. I am doing all I can to be well and fit. I decided it would be wrong to ask God or the doctors or my friends and family to invest in my healing if I did not do all I could for myself. I am making all the changes I can that would create a healthy body and lifestyle. Even if I die in the next few years I have decided I will die while living with perfect integrity towards caring for my health and my life.

I ask myself critically – how is it I took my body for granted like I have? My body – that has carried me through life, and put up with my stresses, overweight, bad attitudes and poor health habits. What was I thinking?! Please forgive me – I am actually asking forgiveness of myself. Maybe I will reap the same rewards as anyone that forgives someone that has wronged them. Maybe I will be at peace with my own body. I am hoping my body will forgive me and that I can take ownership of myself more wholly. I want to be a soul/body. I am just beginning to understand what a miracle having a body is and if I listen really closely, my body will tell me all I need to know about myself.
I feel a sense on indebtedness to my body and the only way to make amends for the mistreatment I have heaped on myself is to give myself a fighting chance by eating, exercising, thinking and living properly from now on. The outcome of this disease doesn’t even matter as much as my desire to live in a way that makes me proud of who I am and models something I believe in for my children and grandchildren.

I want to live more fully and wholly.

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