Breast Cancer Entry Twenty-Eight

Just when I thought I achieved some sort of good outlook on this whole experience, I experience three emotionally miserable days. I am full of fear again. I really don’t want to leave the planet yet and the thought makes me morn. My intuition tells me I am healing, but this process is so mean it breaks my heart a little and I get frightened.

On this night I am tired so I decide to go to bed early and see if I can meditate and ponder over my feelings – maybe get to a better place. I close my eyes and say a simple prayer that I can find peace and be able to understand my feelings. I ask for the truth about my condition and for guidance as to what direction and steps I should take to heal my body.

After my prayer I start to think about it and who shows up? I bet you’re thinking this would be a great time to hear from some long lost relative or some sage from heaven, but nooooo, I get an elephant! Not just any elephant, but a benevolent, wise old girl that says to me (without words, of course) that my fears are just illusions. She says that fears are only what I believe and how I think. DUH! I knew that! But I still have them.

Now it’s time for my grandma’s entrance. She has a large carved rock that says “cancer” which she lays down next to me. She tells me this cancer is not all mine and that I can do the work for all of them by getting well. She is joined by generations of family that line up behind her – an endless chain of ancestors. I am totally confused. What could she be talking about? Of course it’s my cancer! And what can a bunch of dead people do to help anyway? I don’t want to seem disrespectful of the dead, but they are quite gone and this is my turn on the planet. I have just devoted myself to living in the “now” and can’t really handle thoughts about the past like this. I have had this thought before in other meditations and I just don’t get it…

Just then I have this very scary feeling and I notice a very frightening looking man hiding behind a tree (I am clearly in a meditative state since there are typically no big trees or dead grandparents in my bedroom). I am truly scared and the elephant walks over to him and blows and he turns to dusts and drifts away. Then she blows on the rock “cancer” and it turns to dust and blows away also. She says that fears and beliefs take many forms and they are all illusions. She says there are specific conditions that hold them together; mentally and physically. She says they will turn to dust if the conditions that hold them together change. Then I see a lion pacing some distance away. This frightens me also.

I’ve had enough. Can’t get anywhere, and so I get up and take a pill to help me sleep. I don’t remember falling asleep, but I’m sure my fear was in tact.

When I wake, I go into the kitchen and Mont is sitting at the counter and points an accusing finger at me and says I wrecked his sleep. Me? How could I wreck his sleep? I went to bed hours before him and never once stirred after I took that pill. What could I possibly have done? He is of course teasing me, but goes on to tell me about the weird dream he had. I can’t believe it as he is telling it to me.

He says that during the night he dreamed there was an elephant in our hallway. He was of course startled, but the elephant told him it was important that he try to wake me up because she had to tell me something and I had fallen asleep before “they” were finished.
He tells the elephant that he doesn’t have the heart to wake me because I had chemo recently and I was miserable and needed my rest and had taken a pill to help me sleep.

The elephant tells him that he will have to give me the message then. He follows her out to our front gates, which were closed, and there were two other elephants there. These three elephants are holding the gates shut. On the other side of the gates are lions; pacing back and forth, wanting to get in, but knowing they were no match for the strength of these elephants. The elephant tells my husband the lions represent all my fears and beliefs about this illness and about my life. She tells him to tell me they are just illusions and to look with new eyes. She says he must tell me that they will keep the gates closed and that I will be safe to examine my fears and beliefs and will be supported by their strength and wisdom. Monty says it is the strangest dream he’s ever had because the setting was actually in the moment and in our own house and yard.

I am blown away by his story! I tell him about my meditation before I fell asleep, and we both think this is a very amazing. I can’t believe Monty dreamed about the elephants and about the same lesson I meditated about…Completely incomprehensible.

I am going to take this lesson seriously. I am wondering about the attitudes of my family and about my beliefs – lots to think about. I am wondering if cancer is not so tough after all and if it can be affected by my (rock solid and trans/generational) beliefs and my state of mind. The mind/body connection is not a new idea, but I am wondering how powerful I can really make this in my life. It’s an interesting concept. I am sure I would have a hard time applying a scientific model to it. But, what if this Universe is set up to help and heal us? What if all God’s creations are good, and for our benefit, use and edification? What if it is perfectly OK if an assortment of critters calls on me and I learn from nature’s examples? And what if I really do sense the generations of others who have gone before me and invested their DNA, beliefs and attitudes in my veins? What if we are all connected for real?!

I am (really) not normally full of such otherworldly thoughts. Life and death issues are either driving me crazy or making a philosopher out of me.

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