I am so overwhelmed by recent events I hope I can re-tell it.
Let me start by saying that I have blogged only a scrap of my experiences these last months. It has been difficult to write as much as I would have liked because my brain has been a little foggy and my energy a little low. I did scribble madly in a journal and I would like to share more of my experiences and thoughts sometime later.
So many people have reached out to me. I find it unbelievable and deeply touching. I would like to publish some of the beautiful cards, letters and e-mails people have sent me. They are the most inspiring, generous, hopeful, and connecting words I have ever heard. I am amazed at the generosity of spirit that has touched my life and the lives of my family. I can’t possible thank everyone so trust me if I say I received your outpouring and I was lifted up, sustained and blessed by you.
Anyway, I recently had multiple doctor appointments in one day. I am mending from the mastectomy and the appointments were the first of my follow ups to check on my healing and to give me the results of the pathology reports.
The first appointment was with the Oncologist. She came into the room and placed my file on the table. Mont and I spoke with her for a minute and then she said “You don’t know do you?” Gulp. I said no and asked what she meant. She said that never in her career (24 years I believe) had she seen results like my pathology for my type of rare cancer.
Then she said the words that will echo in my mind forever; she said my pathology report was perfect. There was no cancer and no cancer markers of any kind. No microscopic cancer cells. No tumors. My ducts were healthy, my glands and nodes were healthy, my skin was healthy, my tissue was health, and so on…No fried lymph nodes, only healthy ones. No dead cancer cells anywhere. No scar tissues, no “incident markers” at all. It was not a remission, but a healing. In good faith the surgeon had amputated my breast because this cancer “never” goes away. But somehow it did. The doctor said words like “remarkable”, “amazing” and so on. She said there was no medical model for an outcome like I was having and that she didn’t think it would be necessary for any long term follow up because there was no cancer to track. She said that if I thought I could do it I should finish the prescribed protocol as a preventative measure. Having made all the right lifestyle changes, my chances for not having a reoccurrence were already in my favor, but this pathology led the doctor to believe that this cancer had been “eradicated” and healed for good. She said I would not be dying from this cancer in the next thirty years. She said “congratulations” before she left the room.
Mont and I could not take this in. We walked down to the car and hardly spoke - it was so impossible! I couldn’t even cry. We were both truly in shock. I kept saying it was too unbelievable!
We went to the surgeon’s office. She came into the room with tears in her eyes. Like the Oncologist, she said in her 17 years as a cancer surgeon she had never seen this type of cancer disappear. She was completely amazed. She said she would always remember me and that something very special and spiritual had happened here and that it was such a joy to say these words and give these results to someone. She said she didn’t know if it would ever happen again and she usually delivers difficult news. She thanked me for letting her be a part of it all.
We drove home silently. As joyful as we were there was something so humbling and reverent about the situation we just couldn’t talk much.
After we got home Mont had to run to his office for a few hours and I was alone in the house. I walked into the living room and dropped to my knees. This is the most humble and respectful posture I know. I learned to pray as a child on my knees and it seemed appropriate at this moment. So I cried, releasing months of trauma, anxiety and worry. I started to shake and repeated my gratitude over and over. I thanked God for the Universe; for my Shaman friends, my Jewish friends, my Buddhist friends, my Christian friends, my Muslim friends, and so on. I thanked God for Jarrod and Brenden and Robert, and all the doctors, technicians and nurses. I thanked God for all the helpful animals, for my beloved family and friends. I sobbed my gratitude until my knees ached.
When I got up I was drained, but ready to call some people with the incredible news.
My dad and mom were first, then my kids, sister and best friend. I could hardly say the words they seemed so artificial and unreal. This is going to take a while to sink in.
I realized that this incredible universe had bowed to my desire to live longer and granted me every wish of my heart. I was healed - truly healed! How could this be possible?! I can now plan on a long life and I can teach my children how to avoid this disease from what I have learned. Maybe I can even help other people.
I have asked myself over and over, Why me? I have thought a lot about recent events and tried to make sense of it all. It occurred to me that Mother Nature has a beautiful model for life. She is adaptive and self-healing and ever-changing. She wants us to survive and endure. I was thinking that perhaps God created this universe to respond to those basic principles. I believe that what has happened to me was based on natural laws and I believe I was led to the people, and healing measures by deep intuitive and spiritual guidance.
They say that cancer is the “disease of the century” it breaks my heart to think of anyone else having to go through this. We just can’t loose one more grandmother, mother, wife, sister, child, niece, or friend before their time. What if the secret of healing is to become more whole and open to these gifts of the spirit and body? I know I am just an armchair philosopher, but something amazing has happened here and I want others to have it happen to them.
It’s not over yet. If I finish the protocol I will be in treatment until next spring. I will have to just see how it goes. Right now I am concentration on healing from this surgery and deciding how to do radiation. WHY???!!! Lots to think about still….